儿时不竞争 长大才胜出(二)...

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       第三种副作用是可能损害身体健康。

       长久的、超过承受力的压力首先会在情绪上积淀毒素,影响做事效率和品质。而情绪上的毒素太多了,又会影响到生理健康。儿童正处于生理和心理双重发育当中,太大的精神压力不仅影响到他们的心理,也会影响到生理发育。已有研究发现,压力或睡眠不足会影响儿童脑垂体生长激素的分泌,影响孩子身高,也有可能表现在机体其它方面,比如皮肤病。英国教育家尼尔有一个值得我们注意的发现,“我从未在一个快乐少年的脸上发现过暗疮。”哲学家弗洛姆也发现,我们的身体对幸福与不幸福的反应,统统比我们的意识对它的感受更明显。身体比心理更不易受蒙骗。这和中国传统医学讲的“七情”对五脏六腑的理论也是吻合的。

      事实上现在很多人已察觉到社会竞争心理对孩子的伤害,希望还孩子一个童年,希望孩子愉快轻松地成长。但不少人只能在孩子尚小,尤其还没上学时会这样想。一但孩子上了学,面对学校各种各样的奖励及排名,尤其是老师经常通过手机短信群发给家长们的信息——几乎都是各种评价的通报——很多人开始无法淡定了,不知不觉地提高了对孩子的要求,开始一边抱怨孩子压力太大,一边配合学校给孩子施压。理由是,现在教育就这样,不能不竞争,我们也没办法。有的人甚至搬出精子和卵子结合也是竞争的结果这样一个理论,来证明人类的竞争必须是从头开始的。

      没错,生命的诞生固然是一场竞争的结果,一个精子为什么可以战胜几亿个精子捷足先登,并不是因为它有竞争意识,而是因为它强悍,它不需要在意别的小蝌蚪游得是否比它快,它只管自己尽情游,就成了赢家。一个人想要在江湖上立足,必须先远离江湖,躲进深山,无打扰地修炼,练好内功,才有笑傲江湖的本钱。培养竞争力的奥秘正在这里。

      所以,不要抱怨大环境,先解决小环境的问题,小环境好了,大环境自然就好了。解除竞争压力,制度当然是一方面;另一方面还要靠意识来解决。成人自己要反思竞争的尺度和意义,成人淡定了,孩子才能淡定。

      我认识一位电视台编导,她的儿子正上小学四年级。有一天她给我打电话,说她儿子今天放学回家告诉她,学校举办了奥数选拔赛,所有同学都参加,卷子上的题好难。她问儿子会做几道题,孩子轻松调皮地回答:“一道都不会。”这句话不但没让她生气,反而隐隐地感到一种欣慰。她说,以前自己太计较孩子的考试成绩以及在学校的其它排名,这让她和孩子都感觉很累。她也一度简单地把这种困扰归咎于社会竞争、学校和老师。后来她慢慢意识到自己这种受害者心理很是可笑,其实主要是自己的焦虑和虚荣心作怪。放下这些,孩子还是那个孩子,学校还是那个学校,许多问题都迎刃而解了。以前孩子考试不好的话根本不敢跟家长说,现在却能用如此坦然的口气告诉她“一道都不会”,她形容她当时的感觉,不亚于听到孩子说“全都会做”。

      亚当·斯密说过,人生中的不幸与失调的主要原因,是人们过度高估各种处境间的差别。贪心过度高估贫穷与富裕之间的差别,野心过度高估私人职位与公共职位间的差别,虚荣心过度高估默默无闻与声名远播间的差别……没错,有一些境状也许比其它境状更值得我们偏爱,但没有什么境状值得人们用太过激烈的方式去追求。如果不是出于审慎的态度,不顾及正义法则,一个执意改变境状的人,等于是在玩所有危险游戏中最没有胜算的那种,并且把全部家当都押在几乎不可能赢的赌局上。

      生活中最大的敌人不是任何具体的对手,是“虚荣”和“恐惧”。在本已险象环生的人生中,虚荣是一种自残行为。可以说,哪里有虚荣,哪里就有自我伤害。有些人命运不济,与其说是运气差,不如说是虚荣作梗。放下虚荣,就能减少消耗,节约生命成本;克服恐惧,就会降低贪婪,享受生活之从容。“不作风波于世上,自无冰炭到胸中”。

      当下乃至未来,人们比拼的不是“竞争意识”,而是来自更高层面上的价值判断、创新能力、心理承受能力以及克服困难的勇气等。这正是俗话所说的打铁还需自身硬。面对一个弱小而又有无限潜力的孩子,与其着力培养其“竞争意识”,不如专心培养他的良好品格。每一种好品格都可以催化出面对世界、面对困难的能力和勇气,好品格本身就是竞争力。

      设想一个孩子体质好,心理健康,有求知欲,开朗友善,自信平和,那么即使他从未听说过“竞争”这回事,在未来的人生中,有什么样的竞争会打败他呢?

      著名企业家,阿里巴巴创始人马云可谓典型的“成功”人士,在激烈的市场竞争中,他曾经历种种挫败,却一直坚持,取得了令人侧目的成就。他说,“一流高手眼睛里面没有对手,所以我经常说我没有对手,原因是我心中没有对手。心中有敌,天下皆为你敌人;心中无敌,无敌于天下。”这句话道出了他的成功秘诀。

      放下竞争意识,才是拿起竞争能力。这正是老子说的“夫唯不争,故莫能与之争。”也就是本文要表达的“儿时不竞争,长大才胜出”。
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qhz0-0-1 发表于 2017-1-24 15:38:17
父母给的比较和竞争孩子是厌恶的,但是如果是孩子自己自觉自愿的以某个人或者某个事为目标,自己给自己设定的良性目标对孩子还是比较有益的
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